i.m. the five foot assasin

tl;dr

1.

Honeybear don’t care. Facepalm

your first world problems.

‘Do you even lift annoying girl?’

Tag a workmate who knows

Chuck Norris puts the laughter

in manslaughter. A Navy Seal

copies pasta for his overly

attached girlfriend.

Bad luck Brian, haters gonna hate.

 2.

Brace yourself. The 6 o’clock news

says winter is coming and

Brent Rambo approves.

I hate sandcastles, homophobic

seals and archaic rap

because I’m the most interesting

man in the world and ain’t nobody

got time for that.

Cash me ousside. Howbow dah?

3.

Techno Viking, Success Kid,

Insanity Wolf and Nice Guy Greg

turn out for Glorious Leader 2:

Electric Boogaloo

but that’s none of my business.

Condescending Wonka says

‘Hide the pain Harold,

capitalism is the root of all evil.’

Yes. This is Dog.

4.

Sad eyed Chloe says u mad?

It’s my downfall when

another boy has a balloon.

Some men just want to watch

the world burn, but Salt-bae

knows that feeling bro’.

I came out to have a good time

and I’m honestly feeling

so attacked right now.

5.

When you use thus in a poem

you give hipster Ariel a neckbeard.

I live turtle and blue ivy on the balcony.

‘You must be new here.

What if I told you I will find you

and I will kill you?’ ‘Come at me ‘bro.’

‘It’s a trap.’ You keep using that word.

I do not think it means

what you think it means.

6.

Gordo Granudo has acquired

four score and nineteen difficulties

but a wench cannot be counted

among them. Clarence Suddenclarity

finds it on the dance floor, says:

‘if you                         you don’t

don’t love                        deserve

me at my                         me at my

7.

The narwhal bacons at midnight

with Keanu’s conspiracies of ancient

aliens who don’t want to live on this

planet with hipster baristas.

I for one welcome our insect overlords

but McKayla is not impressed.

‘This is Sparta!’ Bye Felcia.

One does not simply

shut up and take my money.

8.

Is a fly without wings called a walk?

That’d be great if you can find

my distracted boyfriend and show him

a banana for scale. The chemistry cat

had one job but to be fair

you have to have a very high IQ

to understand Rick and Morty.

What in tarnation was scumbag Steve thinking?

Fucking magnets. How do they work?

9.

If someone has sex in an airplane

would it count as giving a flying fuck?

Dafuq? Look at all the fucks I give.

The ridiculously photogenic guy

does the Harlem Shake to roll safe

and gets his family a cameo on

their favourite tv show.

It’s a third world success

but they see me rollin’ they hatin’.

Emagerd that escalated quickly.

Image: Sergiu Bacioiu / flickr