like the name of a demon in an enchiridion,
the questionable greek etymology (i hate it)
watches out from my health record
seeping wept blood into the curriculum

vitae, a suspicion, macula on the veil
(even the neurotypical have suspicions)
that things may not be all they seem,
(or do i alone suspect this? my watchers

watched but unperceived — or perhaps the inverse — )
structurally interjected and embedded (they call it
disorganised speech) by which I may
express the truths my psyche has possessed

by the agon of grappling with an unreliable self
(and an official medical discrediting as
rationally unreliable, a devastating blow
to philosophy) who despite the opposition

(you’ll never win) {casual pejorative use of the word
psychotic when they mean psychopathic}
[stop being an arrogant patient with opinions
about your treatment and listen to me]

still question (though sometimes
i trail off) with an aetiology (which, admittedly,
is often not forthcoming, concealed
due to mistrust [understandable]

or more likely repressed and inaccessible)
not sought out or simply ignored
so the patient is reduced to a chemical imbalance,
and not a soul with experiences, aspirations, passions,

opinions, emotions (you pathetic little whinger)
spiritual experiences (i still consider my relational,
communicative prayer valid, i present Him my                                       	feelings
and listen for His). moreover, why are these signs                             	and symbols

(the colour of the cars going past, streetlights                                         	unexpectedly
turning on and off, lyrics in songs, advertisements)
important to this patient? what is written in his
red book (liber novus)? and in the church pot-luck

well-wishers whisper about mental health issues,
(a blithe periphrastic euphemism, like passing away)
which in the secret language we hear and speak
stands for anguish. schizophrenia.

the execration inherent in that greek root.
is the mind split from itself? from the world?
the implication of brokenness, of irreparability,
in an intellectual landscape where the ape body

of collective human reasoning flings its feculence
to discredit opposition and silence dissent —
(has there ever been a moment where you
have looked up at the brilliant stars in the dark,

heard someone calling your name,
saw, perhaps an unexpected fractal or an aura,
wondered if you had insight into some                                                      	magnificent plan,
wondered if the whole universe was made for you