(or Strategies for buying an hour and a half of writing time from your eight-month-old)

Turn on the laptop, crank up the gas heater and choose one of the following:

1. Sit her naked on a plastic sheet with a tub of cottage cheese
2. Sit her naked on a plastic sheet with an entire loaf of bread
3. Sit her naked on a plastic sheet with a pot full of lukewarm spaghetti
4. Sit her naked on a plastic sheet with an entire copy of the Age newspaper
5. Sit her naked on a plastic sheet with a pot full of lukewarm rice
6. Sit her naked on a plastic sheet with a pot full of lukewarm baked beans
7. Sit her naked on a plastic sheet with a tub of grated cheese
8. Sit her naked on a plastic sheet with a pot full of mashed potato
9. Sit her naked on a plastic sheet
10. Sit her naked

WARNING: Plastic sheets are not suitable for children of any age and contact with infants may result in serious injury or death. The Age newspaper is not suitable for children of any age and contact with infants may result in serious injury, death or prolonged bouts of depression. Sitting naked is not suitable for children of any age and may result in serious injury, death or nudist tendencies in later life. Playing with or consuming their own faeces is not recommended for children of any age and may result in serious illness or death. Actual writing time is estimated at an hour and a half but may vary from baby to baby and may be as little as ten minutes. Actual clean-up time is two hours.