Me: I really don’t want to have a caesarean. I don’t think I’ll need to, but if I do, I’d like it on record that I’d like my tubes tied while they’re in there

Doc: (guffawing) You’re what, nearly thirty?

Me: Sorry, how is that relevant?

Doc: Well, it’s just that that’s a pretty major decision to be making at this point in your life…

Me: Uh…so is having children isn’t it?

Doc: Have you umm, spoken to your partner about this?

Me: (raising an eyebrow) I don’t think any partner of mine would have a problem with what I want to do with my own body.

Doc: (stares at me oddly)

Me: The father’s only concern is that I might want to have more children at some later point, with other people.

Doc: Oh (fiddling with pen, as if trying to decide whether or not to probe this statement further). Have you thought about how you might feel about having had this done if something were to happen to one of your existing children?

Me: (mouth dropping open) I assume by that you mean what if one of my children dies. No, that’s generally not something I choose to sit around thinking about. You’re right of course, I daresay that if, god forbid, something happened to one of my children, the logical response would be to simply pop out another to replace them.

Doc: Sorry, it’s just that you really need to consider the implications of this decision.

Me: In any case, I was wondering whether it’s at all possible to note down on my file that I’d like this done, in the event of a caesarean…

Doc: I’ll tell you what, why don’t you think about this a little more. You’ve got plenty of time. And then, if you’re still of the same state of mind in a few months, we’ll talk about it again.

Me: I’ll tell you what, why don’t you think about this a little bit more, and if you’re still in the same state of mind in a few months, we can talk about the fact that I’m an adult and perfectly capable of making my own medical decisions and that, consequentially, you should take your archaic opinions off my reproductive system.