Free
adj. fre•er, fre•est
1. Not imprisoned or enslaved; being at liberty.
2. Not controlled by obligation or the will of another.
3. Not affected or restricted by a given condition or circumstance.
4. Unconstrained; unconfined.
Setting: exit to Melbourne Central Station, January 28, 2010.
Spruiker one: Chocolate, free chocolate. Do you want a free chocolate? (holding it out to me with an enticing smile)
Me: Is this a dream?
Spruiker one: (Smiling) No
Me: Okay then, I’ll have some free chocolate please
Spruiker two: (holds out a leaflet)
Me: (holds out hand toward Spruiker one for the sweet chocolate treat)
Spruiker two: Would you like to take a pamphlet?
Me: No thanks
Spruiker one: Take a pamphlet
Me: I don’t want a pamphlet.
Spruiker two: C’mon, we’re almost out
Me: I thought you were giving away free chocolate
Spruiker one: (looking around nervously) We are
Me: Except I have to take a pamphlet to get one
Spruiker two: (looking relieved that I finally got it) Yeah
Me: I don’t want a pamphlet, I just want the chocolate thanks
Spruiker one: (starting to get defensive) Just take a pamphlet. You don’t even have to read it.
Me: (setting down my gym bag on the pavement and settling in for the argument) I don’t want a pamphlet.
Spruiker one: How do you know, you haven’t even looked at one
Me: I don’t have to look – I don’t like pamphlets.
Spruiker two: (irritated) Whatever.
Me: Sorry, you said you were giving away free chocolate. Now you’re telling me I only get a chocolate if I take one of those pamphlets.
Spruiker one: So?
Me: Well, it’s just that that’s not actually free, is it?
Spruiker two: It is free. You don’t have to pay for it.
Me: Well, no, that’s not free actually: it’s conditional. I have to do something you want me to do before I get a chocolate
Spruiker one: Are you serious? If you want a chocolate, just take a pamphlet. Otherwise go away.
Me: I don’t want a pamphlet. I want free chocolate. You just made my day by standing there yelling out that there was free chocolate available, and now I find out it was all a ploy to get me to take some kind of propaganda I don’t even want or need.
Spruiker one & two: (look at me, perplexed).
Me: Are you familiar at all with the Trade Practices Act?
Spruiker one: What are you talking about?
Me: Are you familiar with the dictionary?
