hitting the mark
Type
Reflection
Category
Violence
Writing

Hitting the mark

Let me tell you what it is like to write about domestic violence as an academic. Academics have to follow particular conventions around research that include being able to sound like everyone else. Getting your reference list right matters because it is the first thing the anonymous reviewers look at. It is a sort of resume for your suitability for their world, an introduction from the best names in the field. For a former journalist, it is a strange world of polite (at least if you are accepted) ritual and indirect manoeuvring. Reporting news was easy. I talked to people, they told me things. I saw a lot for myself and wrote about it. But as an academic writing about domestic violence, I could not do this, even if I knew first-hand where some of the causes of this violence could be found.

In two long journal articles I wrote in the months after my mother died I focused on real cases – headlining horrors – one about a woman raped and murdered in Sydney, the other about child killers; crimes so shocking that they sparked public outrage and incredulity. Both of these articles were accepted with only minor revisions. One carried a warning label about distressing content. Survivors of violence might read it and find its material confronting. The warning was included because one of the anonymous reviewers felt my descriptions, my language, could be toned down. I had reported details of cases in a matter-of-fact way, what happened, without side dressing. Matter-of-factness was how I made a living, and went on living, after getting through my own violent relationship. I turned out hard copy and focused on detail.

Focusing on detail and finding a way through led me to write another two long articles to see if I could use the world-class education I had achieved, miraculously given I was a girl from one of the poorest suburbs on the outer fringe of a big Australian city. Somehow I stayed in the seminars about deconstruction, postmodernism and, back then, Marxist feminism. I finished my doctorate without any idea that there was an unwritten rulebook, a way to speak, act, and express gratitude that other women learned at private school, or from their parents. My mother left school after year six and my father was a labourer. They only knew how to say what they meant, and always meant what they said. There was no experience of academic life in any of the five, now seven, generations of my family. We knew and understood Aboriginal culture and community because we lived in the ‘Black Belt’. The only thing we knew about white middle-class Australians was what mum told us, when she got home from cleaning their houses. But I had been to a top university and had ‘got’ what the celebrity scholars meant when they talked about the abject, the dominant culture, the Other and their voice.

So maybe if I could remember what I heard, and learned, in those seminars, how it felt to take the theory and use it like a bungee cord, leaping off high places with it, swooshing through vertical landscapes, bouncing back before I hit the ground, I could think my way to respect. I could show that I can do privilege convincingly by selecting the right theorists, and using politely toned words. What came back from the reviewers after just over 15,000 words of extending, stretching, flexing – all the things the physiotherapist gets me to do to manage the neck pain that started when I was punched in the face and my head hit a bookshelf behind me – were words like, ‘obscurantist’, ‘garbled’, ‘jargon’ and, almost like an incantation, ‘I have no idea what this means’. The same reviewer could have just stopped at their opening comment, ‘It is poorly written’, which hurt me because it felt like it came from the same place as the punch. The reviewer did conclude their notes by saying that they hoped what they had written did not sound negative. Almost like an automaton I replied to the editor and said I was sorry that the piece had aggravated the reviewer, and that it wasn’t good enough.

I blamed myself, too, for over-extending by writing about an unconventional pairing of blockbuster film and notoriously difficult theory. I did it because I wanted to remember what it felt like to be allowed into the conversation, back during the doctoral days, and because one of the ways I soothe myself is by watching movies about women with superpowers, who could fight back, who leapt from weakness into divine supremacy, or just transformed themselves. I forgot that access to many feminist conversations requires a password, a proper name, and the indirect signals that you belong to the cool group and not the bogan girls whose hems are too short and are more like Vicky Pollard than J’mai King.

Maybe that’s why the other article was returned with the note, ‘The reviewers have returned their comments. They are not positive.’ I only saw one of the reviews, about eight lines, one for every thousand I had written. ‘Why make an old argument about media images of women linking to violence?’ ‘Maybe if the author had discussed new materialism and anti-pornography it would have been a stronger paper’. It would have been a different one, at least, with ‘new’ and not ‘historical’ in front of ‘materialism’. I wondered (for about a minute) whether the second review was not sent to spare my feelings, but I had read four reviews of my work in under a week that told me that this was not the case. I had also noticed that many reviewers are repelled by the word ‘historical’ these days, unless it comes before ‘fiction’ or ‘romance’. Not ‘materialism’ and definitely not when talking about the causes of violence.

The reviewer was right to comment that the article ‘wandered all over the place’ because that’s how I was when I wrote it. I wandered around, looking for ways to ask for what would have helped when the violence was happening to me. I wanted to make the theory gather up all the subtlety there is in the ways that women’s lives are made worse, how my life was made worse, as was my grandmother’s, whose second husband pushed her down a flight of stairs and killed her. I went into my head, into the memory of using it for survival, and into the miracle that I had been able to think at all, and write enough to make a life from it.

But writing about feminism and culture is a privileged pursuit, after all. I was leaping from a life of disadvantage into one of polite conversation and subtlety. I know, now, that I have to start from where I am. I cannot be an imposter. I am a survivor of domestic violence who tries to understand the bigger, complicated picture because I cannot understand my own private grief. If I had instead written about that Saturday afternoon in a tent at the side of a crowded holiday camping ground, would that have sounded old, too? When he held a knife to my throat and questioned me, over what I think was three hours (although who can say for sure), about my previous partners, my inadequate responses to his questions, and my dream of going on to complete a higher degree, was I supposed to remember everything? I remembered the noises outside, his breath, and a zipper tab at the top of the tent flap.

I cannot remember how it stopped, but I only got away when it did. Not from him, then. That would take another six months, police dogs, and that punch in the face. I still feel ashamed because I didn’t get away sooner, and that I weighed 49 kilos when I finally did. Is that what comes back when I get shit reviews? The shame of not giving the right answers, writing my way out of history, and becoming respectable? I could have written all those words in my matter-of-fact way, untangling the bungee cord so I could fly like I had superpowers, with magic words and sentences that were not garbled, poorly written, tortured. I might have leapt back up before I hit my head if I had mentioned when I jumped off with feminist theory how it feels to think you might die because your answer to a question sounds incredible or because the person holding the knife at your throat blames you for his rage. I might have been able to say, to convey, that movies about women with super intelligence and combat skills are empowering for me, at least privately, even if they are not (apparently) so for women generally. If I had known about it then, I might have worked through the effects of poverty and torture on my writing. I would not have needed to link media content and violence against women in arguments that were old, or all over the place. It would have been just my story and my place; that would have been a different article. That is really what the reviewers wanted, and I don’t blame them for that.

I still need to make a living from my writing and to live beyond it, which is why I write under a pseudonym when, ironically, I write about my own life. I try to see the shit reviews as word choices other people make. As hasty and hostile as they often are, sometimes other reviewers make considered choices, more sensitive suggestions, and show that they realise what you were trying to do even when the doing of it did not work. That is, after all, how women who are right now living in their own horrors of domestic violence might someday describe their stories: an old argument, once romantic, now history.

 

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Mary Annereau is an Australian writer and academic.

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Comments

  1. Respect.

    You’ve managed more than I ever could already. You made it through the ridiculous academic manoeuvres of getting a PhD and kept at it.

    You are writing (still) and can see the absurdity of the requirements to quote others to substantiate what is blatantly obvious to anyone who both knows, because they have lived the pain and terror, as well as having studied the arcane and experience-distant world of academia that one should not and can not eliminate the existence of the other.

    It’s a sad indictment of academia that the responses of your ‘reviewers’, insisting on some weird need to conform to such a detached form of expression, deny the reality of people’s lives. I admit I gave up at around that point, though that was quite a few years ago now.

    Respect for having the courage to accept yourself for who you are, and be who you are, despite the academic world’s rejection of life experience.

    And thank you. Maybe one day I’ll be strong enough to start from where I am too.

    • Thanks for this great little piece Mary. As someone who works professionally in the field of domestic violence in a pro-feminist organisation, I don’t think what you are encountering is surprising. Despite the raised media profile of DV lately, understanding of what it really means to actually experience DV is very lacking and often so perverse that for survivors to bring up their experiences, or even reference them is to risk deep humiliation.
      Even supposedly left-ish media such as the Saturday Paper and the Guardian have recently written very unhelpful pieces on DV (“You’ll never guess! Feminism is making things worse!! An academic said so!!”).
      I was talking to a woman friend a few weeks ago, a feminist who is just finishing up her PhD. The amount of patronising ‘helpful’ sexist comment, male privilege and smug appropriation of her work she has had to endure is astonishing.
      It sounds like you have a project to write that is really worth writing. Maybe academia isn’t the place to write it. As my friend said to me, she just wants to finish her PhD by hook or by crook, and then speak in the way that she wants to speak, and do her utmost to keep things that way.

  2. Excellent tale Mary. I feel so enraged by your reviewer experience, but know so many overlooked & overwrought PhD candidates it is sadly unsurprising. I am certain this article will resonate for many people who think deeply about DV or have experienced it.

  3. Your life story needs to be heard. Our voices must not be silenced. Stuff academia. If you wrote a memoir I would buy it and read it.

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